Happy Birthday Colton
Nobody, I mean, NOBODY, should have to feel the horrible feelings you’ve been feeling lately. How do you even describe that place where emotions whirling around like manic dervishes? –a place where you find yourself feeling emotions as divergent and discomforting as east and west on the compass at the same time. Guilt might be your constant companion. Or maybe you’re hanging on every breath, to remind yourself that, yes, you are alive, but why? Why didn’t your brother say something? Why did he have to do it?
I don’t know you. I just barely know your mother. What I do know is how it feels to have someone close to me die by suicide. Saying that it sucks is a gross understatement! I don’t know why I think things happen for a reason, but I do. One day you might find that the feelings you’re experiencing now will have made you into the best possible person for some amazing task. You just never know.
It’s your birthday! You might think you cannot, and should not, have a happy one this year. If you do think that I’m telling you are wrong. Even now having a happy birthday is the best thing to do for you and your Mom. My guess is, had your brother been thinking about it; he would have wanted you to have one. If he’d been in a better space, he probably would be here to celebrate it with you. But he wasn’t, and he isn’t, so it’s up to you to decide when you’re ready to have a happy birthday and a happy life. Guilt and sadness won’t bring him back.
Please understand I am not suggesting that you ignore the pain of your loss or the soul-numbing despair that shows up when you least expect it. I’m saying you are in control of how you feel and no matter what anyone else says or does; you get to feel however you want whenever you want. Acknowledge the feelings and move on to better ones. You can do it.
If onlys, second guessing, and whys can suck the joy out of your birthday today and for years to come. Don’t let them. You deserve the most wonderful birthday today and forever more. Why not start today?